All right, I will break my gentleman persona for one post because I just had the greatest epiphany ever.

Breaking Bad was one of my all-time favorite shows. It was the first show I ever actually binge watched.

And to see Aaron Paul, the actor who plays Jesse Pinkman, in the new Need for Speed movie, just made me all the more excited. After seeing the trailer (I have yet to watch the movie), I came up with several theories on why Need for Speed is the direct continuation to Breaking Bad.

1. The title: Need for Speed. Speed. AKA a slang word for meth. Crystal meth. Methamphetamine. (or methamphetamina as the cartels call it). Throughout Breaking Bad, Jesse was addicted to meth. See where I’m going with this? Anyway, it could be said Jesse had a need for meth. Speed is a code word for meth. Jesse had a need for speed. Need for Speed. It fits perfectly. Probably throughout the movie, Aaron Paul’s character will try to kick his addiction, his “need for speed.” Hell, it connects so well that even Jesse’s mom, early in the TV show, referred to meth as speed. If that doesn’t win you over, maybe the next proof will.

2. The final scene in Breaking Bad. *WARNING: SPOILERS!* (If you haven’t finished Breaking Bad, this will be a spoiler. Besides, what are you doing reading this post? Go finish the show!) When Walt releases Jesse at the end of the show, Jesse drives away maniacally in a car. In a car. A f**king car. Need for Speed is a movie about car racing. See where I’m going with this? Jesse drives away, and by his expression and happiness to be free, I would assume he’s going pretty fast. Maybe he went so fast but controlled the car so well that he realized how good of a racer he is. I don’t know. In the beginning of the trailer, it appears as though Aaron Paul was being released from prison. Maybe he was in prison for two years for having drugs. Couldn’t kick his need for speed? (See what I did there?) Well, in a nutshell, Jesse drives away fast, realizes he could be a great racer, gets arrested for doing meth, is released, and uses racing to distract him for his need for speed. (See what I did there… again?) The movie connects to Breaking Bad’s final scene so well. I’m pretty impressed with myself. Don’t think Jesse drives fast? Watch this and weep:

See? All the proof is in the gif.

3. I can’t separate Aaron Paul from Jesse. Yeah, I know this isn’t legit proof, but whatever. I just wanted to say… I love you.Sorry. I went Stevie Wonder there for a second. Anyway, after watching Breaking Bad, I just can’t separate the actor form the role. I saw some of Aaron’s earlier commercials, but all I see and hear is Jesse Pinkman. I assume when I watch Need for Speed, whatever the guy’s name is, I’ll think of him as Jesse Pinkman. And so, I watched the trailer, imagining he was Jesse Pinkman. And guess what. It fit. It fit and didn’t seem out of place.And so that’s my reasoning. Jesse is in Need for Speed because it is possible that he is. Circular reasoning for the win!

Well that wraps up my theories on why Need for Speed is the sequel to Breaking Bad. Yes I know it’s absurd and far-fetched, but it’s fun to think about. And I know I’ll get reasons why Need for Speed isn’t a sequel up the ass, so I have one counter-argument to one I’ll predict:

Jesse isn’t the name of the main character because Jesse is using a different name to hide his identity. Much like how Walt changes his name to Mr. Lambert in “Granite State” to go into hiding. Jesse could do the same, change his name, move to a new state, and live a new life. It’s plausible.

Now that wraps up my theory. Please feel free to comment on you ideas/theories/whateva.

As always, I am thricewise.

*tip my hat toward you*

If I meet a fellow gentleman on the street, do I say “Hello”, “Hi”, or “Hey”?

I usually say hello. and I assumed all gentlemen of similar gentlemanliness would do the same.

And yet, I met a gentleman who said “Hey.” Right to my beautiful face. Now I as taken aback. His response had left three explanations for why he said “Hey.”

1. He wasn’t a gentleman.

Now this seems likely, but begins to unravel like a Victorian knitted scarf once one ponders it. He looked like a gentleman. Hell, he probably looked more gentlemanly than me. He had the top hat, the coat-tail suit, the striped vest, the ruffled shirt, the neat tie, the straight striped pants, and the pointed shoes. And yet, he said “Hey.” Now, a logical conclusion would be that he was merely imitating a gentleman, acting like one, without being one. However, most imitators don’t look like gentleman; they think they look like gentlemen. They wear what they perceive a gentlemanly clothes, but in reality look like boisterous, poppycock peasants. The man I met looked like a gentleman and said “hey”. How strange.

2. He is a trend setter.

The gentleman may have been one of those trend setters we hear about so much nowadays. They try different looks, personalities, and all means of personal expression, in the hopes that one of the styles will catch on and spread like wildfire throughout the world. Then the trend setter would say how he invented the style, and gaze at what he thinks are all his minions. Now, a gentleman trend setter is not unheard of, but unlikely. Additionally, if this man is a trend setter, he would do much more to alter the normality than simply say hey instead of hello. Next possibility please.

3. I am the one who is wrong.

After all the previous deductions, one may think it is in fact me who is wrong, and all the gentleman I have met think of me as I think of the pseudo-gentleman I have been speaking about. However, saying that I am wrong implies that I am not a true gentleman. And that just untrue.

Well, those are all the possibilities I am able to reach into my brain and pull out. Of course, the public may want to make deductions of their own on how to label this pseudo-gentleman. (This is what we will call him henceforth). Write your opinions in response to this post; they will help me gain closure on this issue.

As always, I am thricewise.

*tip my hat toward you*

One can long think about humorous dodgeball team names.

Call them crass if you will, but I would like to imagine several teams adopting these names and making the opponents laugh so much that they lose the match.

In all honesty, these are just variants of popular TV shows and movies substituted with “balls.” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Big Balls Theory

The Wolf of Ball Street

The Dark Ball Rises

Breaking Balls

Balls of Glory

Happy Balls

The Walking Balls

12 Years a Ball

The Dallas Balls Club

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Balls

Harry Potter and the Balls of Azkaban

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Balls

Harry Potter and the Order of the Balls

Harry Potter and the Half-Ball Prince

Harry Potter and the Deathly Balls

As you can see, Harry Potter is a treasure trove of ball-related humor. And exercise your artistic license; change the location of the “balls” to suit your needs. You could just as easily name your team Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Balls or Harry Potter and the Balls of the Phoenix.  

These are of course suggestions. Feel free to mix and match the placement of “balls.”

If you are still confused about how exactly to craft such gut-wrenching names, there is a simple and easy formula:

1. Think of a movie or television show.

2. Substitute “balls” somewhere in there.

3. Win every game atop a heaping pile of enemies laughing.

That is all I have to quip for today. I find this publication fairly funny, but I am hardly the judge for that. How about you decide? Help a fellow gentleman comic out.

As always, I am thricewise.

*tip my hat toward you*